what's all the noiz about boyz?

not only could marykate and ashley never sing or act, thanks to this video, it's now confirmed that they can't dance either. or rap for that matter. they're most famous, i'm sure, for their enthusiastic facial expressions and cheesy one-liners.



HOWEVER. watching marykate and ashley in holiday in the sun, i DID come across the biggest babe ever.



never realized it back then, because i thought he was a dirtbag, with that hairdo and all, but things change.

and yes, that is megan fox.

how surprised were you when you realized the D in disney was not a G?

one of the few things i remember learning in high school was the ways in which disney subtly corrupts poor little children. and how long it took them to correct their mistakes.

the lion king:

when simba slumps down on the grass, if you look carefully in the dust floating in the sky, you can see it spells 'sex.'



aladdin:

here, while jasmine is opening the curtains, you can here aladdin in the background saying 'good teenagers take off their clothes.'



the little mermaid:

the underwater palace is made of penises.



man, they sure like wieners in this movie. check out this erection.



the rescuers down under:

how much are those boobies in the window?



and these are just among countless others. if you have vhs copies of these films from the early 90's, chances are, disney tainted you at a very early age.

hellooooooo!

again with the nostalgia. i watched mrs. doubtfire last night for about the 45th time this semester. it's one of those movies; entertaining as a child, but you get SO much more out of it when you actually understand all of the cleverly disguised puns. i'll outline for you, the best of the best.



first off, does ANYONE know the old nanny's first name? i grew up believing her to be named yoo-vig-uh-nye-uh doubtfire. Because if you listen to her introduction, what ELSE could it possibly be? She goes by a name that has never been heard by anyone in north america. so, with some careful research, i discovered that her name is actually euphegenia. euphegenia doubtfire. why didn't i think of that? i can't find anything about the actual name besides the fact that it did NOT make the top 1000 names in the usa. no kidding.

now that her name is all cleared up, here's some examples of euphegenia's hilaaaarious parlance:

mrs. doubtfire: (after being introduced to natalie) i admire that honesty, natalie, that's a noble quality. never lose that, because it often disappears with age, or entering politics.

mrs. doubtfire: (throwing the remote in the fishtank) the only thing you'll be watching is deep cnn.

(at a fancy swimming pool)
mrs. doubtfire: isn't this posh? i'll bet it's very exclusive, probably need a credit reference just to get in the pool.

(trying to get teeth out of the glass)
mrs. doubtfire: carpe dentum! seize the teeth!

mrs. doubtfire: oh, the terrorists! it was a run-by-fruiting!

mrs. doubtfire: sink the sub. hide the weasel. park the porpoise. a bit of the old humpty dumpty, little jack horny, the horizontal mambo, hmm? the bone dancer, rumpleforeskin, baloney bop, a bit of the old cunning linguistics?
stu: mrs. doubtfire, please.
mrs. doubtfire: oh i'm sorry, am i being a little graphic? i'm sorry. well, i hope you're up for a little competition. she's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear. it's her own personal jackhammer. she could break sidewalk with that thing. she uses it and the lights dim, it's like a prison movie. amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.

mrs. doubtfire: (upon meeting stuart dunmire) stu. that's more of a thick soup than a name, really.

stu: yes, well ... miranda's been raving about you.
mrs. doubtfire: odd. she's never mentioned you.

mrs. doubtfire: (on mr. doubtfire) he was quite fond of the drink. it was the drink that killed him.
miranda: he was an alcoholic?
mrs. doubtfire: no, he was hit by a guinness truck.


mrs. doubtfire: (on her talk show at the end of the movie) they[england] have a queen and a royal family
bird puppet: oh, just like a poker game!
mrs. doubtfire: it's a full house

mrs. doubtfire: do you know what language they speak in england?
bird puppet: pakistani?
mrs. doubtfire: that's right. in many stores they do.

mrs. doubtfire: (looking down at stu's package as he gets out of the pool) by the looks of you, that water's so cold.
stu: yes, well ...
natalie: your tummy looks different from my daddy's.
mrs. doubtfire: oh, natty! not everyone has their own personal trainer.

now. i really hope i wasn't the only person who noticed lydia's sharp style. take a look at the hip 90's outfits that she was ever so lucky to sport:




and natalie? does her whispering voice drive ANYONE else crazy? chris though, he's always been an utter hunk-o-saurus. i'm sure you all remember him, years later in boy meets world as jack, but let's check out what the hillard kids look like these days.





and i can't find lydia now. i'll assume she's trendy as always.

speaking of trendy, i just wanted to point out JUST how great the mid-90's were:



too bad i can only watch 72 minutes on megavideo, or i'd have much, much more entertaining screenshots.

cul-sec

i put together a list of songs that you've probably mostly forgotten, but hopefully not, yet they are absolutely vital for a great 90's power hour. i can always be counted on for remembering the most ridiculous things from bygone years. this is just one example of how i enjoy putting my brain to work:

in no particular order:

flavor of the week - american hi fi
barbie girl - aqua
everybody (backstreet's back) - backstreet boys
what's my age again? - blink 182
the bad touch - the bloodhound gang
song 2 - blur
baby one more time - britney spears
believe - cher
genie in a bottle - christina aguilera
butterly - crazytown (almost left this unreal tune out)
say my name - destiny's child
he loves u not - dream
blue - eiffel 65 (did that dude die?)
the real slim shady - eminem
the rockafellar skank - fatboy slim
da dip - freaknasty
where the party at - jagged edge (probably 2001)
crush - jennifer paige
waiting for tonight - jlo
all my life - kc and jojo (i tried to avoid slow songs, but this one, i needed)
can't fight the moonlight - leann rimes
steal my sunshine - len
summergirls - lfo
crawling - linkin park
mambo #5 - lou bega
what's your fantasy? - ludacris
sex and candy - marcy playground
heartbreaker - mariah carey
family affair - mary j. blige
3am - matchbox twenty
bitch - meredith brooks
torn - natalie imbruglia
ride wit me - nelly
tearin' up my heart - nsync
pretty fly - the offspring
bad boy for life - p. diddy
there you go - pink
she hates me - puddle of mudd
livin' the vida loca - ricky martin
show me love - robyn
s club party - s club 7
smooth - santana
to the moon and back - savage garden
it wasn't me - shaggy
whenever, wherever - shakira
that don't impress me much - shania twain
all star - smash mouth (stupidest song ever)
ooh, it's kinda crazy - souldecision
say you'll be there - spice girls
fat lip - sum 41
semi charmed life - third eye blind
kryptonite - three doors down
no scrubs - tlc
american psycho - treble charger
we like to party - venga boys
bittersweet symphony - the verve
miami - will smith
i wanna be bad - willa ford
if ya gettin' down - 5ive
where my girl's at - 702

i think that's all sixty of them. now, you're probably asking yourself why i left out important tunes such as "i want you back," "spice up your life," "larger than life" and so on. but i made sure it was one song per artist, because otherwise, it would be right tumid with bsb, nsync and spice girls. not that anyone really needs another excuse to drink, but if you ever feel you should have one, 90's power hour is your solution. cul-sec!

obsess/upset

OBSESS:


finally! real actors are playing fake superheros.


firefox 3 beats all download records. anything but microsoft works for me.


limewire. if you haven't already, you better start the download frenzy. a new law could end the fun at any moment.


gary marriage is legal in california. again.


UPSET:


it cost nasa $450 million to fix the toilet on the space station. i could buy madonna tickets for that price.


not to hype on the outer-space thing, but a 2009 mars expedition cost more than $2 billion. i could buy lourdes for that price.


those electronic coin counters are a great way to lose 9% of your savings. what's next, a service charge for returning your empties?


one-hit wonder metro station has another cyrus at the mic. make them stop - all of them.


a recent study says that you will be motivated to lose weight if you create a skinny avatar. or if you shut your mouth. one of the two works really well.

stumble?

it's a great concept, but an even greater excuse to waste your time. rather than learning about interesting places in the world, tricky riddles, notable nobody's and clicking your mouse on the same button way to many times, how about giving real life a try? i'm not going to lie, i have my stumbling days, but it doesn't take me TOO long to find other, more productive ways to waste my time.

... but we're great hockey players.

bedazzled .. an unreal flick with an old fave, brendan fraser. oh you know him, always landing the most respected roles. this movie though, actually was pretty hilarious. this one part in particular:



i guess that's the stereotype of an athlete, and i'm going to be real canadian here and use hockey as an example. everyone and their mothers know hockey players are idiots. loads of fun, but just real idiots. that bedazzled clip was not one teensey bit away from the truth. let's take a look at friend-of-a-friend jake here:






that's right jake, balls to the walls. way to stay consistent.

canux

i just wanted to add that i thought i knew a decent deal about canadians, but thanks to google, i am now aware that we are notorious of being afraid of the dark. hm. and no, you cannot own us.

bruce springsteen

ahh, brucey. such a babe back in the 80's. i came across his 'dancing in the dark' video, and by came across, i mean, i searched it, and dang, check out them moves.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=129kuDCQtHs



such a babe. and such a dull day. i finally finished a painting i'm happy with today. not something i've done in awhile. word of advice, especially if you're in art at fanshawe: don't listen to your teachers. you'll end up pumping out crap that you hate and STILL only get a C+. personally, i'd much rather NOT waste $3000 per year, because if i had that kind of money to toss around, I'd be buying items that i don't need.

ch-ch-check it:



if that's not entertaining enough, try doing this for some laughs:

i'm comin' out swingin'

i suppose my internet credibility is almost top-notch now ... i added blogspot to my list of passwords and sign in names i'll never remember. first myspace, then facebook, then ... everything else. though, i haven't succumbed to twitter yet. i don't do status' on facebook, so really, what's the point. no one cares about my nap, my jog, my dog, or my opinion on faulty commodities. i really have no interest in joining a website where i can broadcast my agenda to the whole entire world. wait, i'm pretty much doing that now, but it's in a more complicated sense and i'm a 'blogger' so that obviously makes it much more acceptable and cool.

here's something to sink your teeth into. i found it a few years ago. nah, actually, i'm just gonna take the credit for it. i definitely did not find it. here are several examples of the quick wit of yours truly:

cocaine -
if i wanted to pay $40 to be the most annoying person in the room for an hour, i'd buy a megaphone. not only does this drug turn you into a self-centred talkaholic, when you live this far from colombia, it's usually laced with extra fun things like fertilizer and aspirin. how about keeping your brain intact by opting for other highs like gatorade rain or trident splash?

canadian money: now that it's pretty much on par with the american dollar, we revel in the fact that we're the only country crazy enough to put birds and hockey players on our bills and affectionately call our coins toonies and loonies.

pompom boots: so your mom taught you to never run with your shoes untied, but it's totally ok to run with two giant ropes hanging off of them.

so you think you can dance?: it should really be called 'so you think your parents really want to find out on national television that you're gay?' how about telling them through a modern dance routine in the living room instead.

diddy's latest album, press play: despite a shitload of heavyweight collaborations, it still sucked. leave rapping to someone more talented like k-fed or shaq.

tandoori doritos: now even trailer trash can boast about having a cultured plate!

"i would give back all my awards and all my nominations just to have heath ledger back." - john travolta: gee thanks, john, it's so generous of you to donate your mtv movie awards nomination for best kiss to resurrect a dead man. a saint walks among us!

two girls, one cup: it's strange that you can go to jail for selling marijuana, but this is toally acceptable.

macbook air: no cd drive, no ethernet port, no firewire port. it's the helen keller of laptops.

cosmopolitan tv: you wanna really know how to please your man, ladies? change the fucking channel.

combined celebrity names: bennifer, brangelina, tomkat. apparently the key to a successful relationship in hollywood can be as simple as having a vowel in common.

cornucopias: why use a bowl when you can put your food into a deformed elf hat?

herbal essences commercials: get a new concept already. the last time we had an orgasm in the shower, we weren't using the showerhead to rinse our hair.

bands that make you clap along to their songs: just because you can't keep your own rhythm doesn't mean we all have to look like five year olds at a raffi singalong.

photoblogs like flickr.com: you mean i can read your online diary AND see accompanying photos with taglines like 'me and jill getting wicked drunk in dublin!!' who the hell are you anyway? wait, i don't care.

beefcakes: congratulations on gaining all that muscle, but you lost a neck.



buy strut now.