i'm comin' out swingin'

i suppose my internet credibility is almost top-notch now ... i added blogspot to my list of passwords and sign in names i'll never remember. first myspace, then facebook, then ... everything else. though, i haven't succumbed to twitter yet. i don't do status' on facebook, so really, what's the point. no one cares about my nap, my jog, my dog, or my opinion on faulty commodities. i really have no interest in joining a website where i can broadcast my agenda to the whole entire world. wait, i'm pretty much doing that now, but it's in a more complicated sense and i'm a 'blogger' so that obviously makes it much more acceptable and cool.

here's something to sink your teeth into. i found it a few years ago. nah, actually, i'm just gonna take the credit for it. i definitely did not find it. here are several examples of the quick wit of yours truly:

cocaine -
if i wanted to pay $40 to be the most annoying person in the room for an hour, i'd buy a megaphone. not only does this drug turn you into a self-centred talkaholic, when you live this far from colombia, it's usually laced with extra fun things like fertilizer and aspirin. how about keeping your brain intact by opting for other highs like gatorade rain or trident splash?

canadian money: now that it's pretty much on par with the american dollar, we revel in the fact that we're the only country crazy enough to put birds and hockey players on our bills and affectionately call our coins toonies and loonies.

pompom boots: so your mom taught you to never run with your shoes untied, but it's totally ok to run with two giant ropes hanging off of them.

so you think you can dance?: it should really be called 'so you think your parents really want to find out on national television that you're gay?' how about telling them through a modern dance routine in the living room instead.

diddy's latest album, press play: despite a shitload of heavyweight collaborations, it still sucked. leave rapping to someone more talented like k-fed or shaq.

tandoori doritos: now even trailer trash can boast about having a cultured plate!

"i would give back all my awards and all my nominations just to have heath ledger back." - john travolta: gee thanks, john, it's so generous of you to donate your mtv movie awards nomination for best kiss to resurrect a dead man. a saint walks among us!

two girls, one cup: it's strange that you can go to jail for selling marijuana, but this is toally acceptable.

macbook air: no cd drive, no ethernet port, no firewire port. it's the helen keller of laptops.

cosmopolitan tv: you wanna really know how to please your man, ladies? change the fucking channel.

combined celebrity names: bennifer, brangelina, tomkat. apparently the key to a successful relationship in hollywood can be as simple as having a vowel in common.

cornucopias: why use a bowl when you can put your food into a deformed elf hat?

herbal essences commercials: get a new concept already. the last time we had an orgasm in the shower, we weren't using the showerhead to rinse our hair.

bands that make you clap along to their songs: just because you can't keep your own rhythm doesn't mean we all have to look like five year olds at a raffi singalong.

photoblogs like flickr.com: you mean i can read your online diary AND see accompanying photos with taglines like 'me and jill getting wicked drunk in dublin!!' who the hell are you anyway? wait, i don't care.

beefcakes: congratulations on gaining all that muscle, but you lost a neck.



buy strut now.